


We Are What?

by elvirakitties



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bottom Severus Snape, Bottom Voldemort (Harry Potter), Character Death, Crack Treated Seriously, Drunkenness, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Good Severus Snape, Harry gets a brain, Independent Harry Potter, M/M, Poisoning, Pre-Slash, Slash, Top Harry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2019-11-06 21:59:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17947892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elvirakitties/pseuds/elvirakitties
Summary: What happened when Voldemort goes out drinking to bury his annoyance about Potter.





	1. Chapter 1

Voldemort groaned as he turned in the bed. He felt something that felt like lace. He slowly opened his eyes and saw pink everywhere except for to his immediate right was three cats staring at him. One was an orange striped cat, one was black with yellow eyes, and the last one was all white with blue eyes. He lifted his head and all he saw was pink. The only good news was that he slept alone as it was a twin bed. They were purring. He wasn't sure what they wanted.

"Oh, good you are up." A short, squat, woman dressed in all pink with from head to toe entered the room carrying a tray. He could see the phial of Sober-Up potion on the tray. "I already had one and dinner is being made. I hope you like Toad in the Hole?"

"Yes, that is fine. How did I get here?" He looked at the woman. He groaned a bit as he closed his eyes in pain. He had hoped her pink outfit had been a mind trick from his hangover. It wasn't. She was wearing a pink Tweed jacket, pink Tweed pleated skirt, a pink blouse under the jacket that created a huge pink bow hanging down the jacket. She even had pink stockings and shoes. Why would anyone want to wear that much pink? 

"I carried you after we got married." The woman put the tray down on the table next to the bed. She waved her fat fingers at him. "You passed out as soon as we got home." She smiled a sickeningly sweet smile. "Oh, look. The triplets like you. It means the rest will accept you." 

Voldemort started coughing. "Married?" His hangover throbbed. He closed his eyes as he tried to stop coughing. He opened his eyes. He started to feel sick looking at her. She reminded him close to the muggle pink stuff in a bottle. 

"Yes, last night." The woman pulled a pink chair closer. "After our mutual hatred of Harry Potter. We talked for hours about that brat. I never meet anyone who hated him as much as I do." 

Voldemort took the potion quickly to regain his wits and get rid of the hangover. Her outfit was making him feel worse than any hangover and he didn't need a hangover on top of dealing with the pink babbling mass in front of him. He was wracking his brain trying to remember last night. He had some flashes of pink and some bits of discussing Potter. "Potter!" 

"Yes, but I fixed him. I arranged for some Dementors to visit him early today. However, he was able to stop them but he is now in trouble for using underage magic. I convinced Cornelius to have a trial. We can snap his wand and toss him into Azkaban."

Voldemort arched a brow as his voice dropped down a few levels. "You did what?" It was his most dangerous voice. Death Eaters quaked when he used it. This pink fluff didn't even seem phased. 

"Well, you were sleeping when I left for work this morning so I decided to take care of the whole Potter issue. Dementor would have made sure we never heard from the brat again. Honestly, telling everyone that He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named has returned is doing nothing but causing problems." Fake smile. "It worked out well even if the Dementors didn't kill the brat. He will get a nice trial, his wand snapped, and if Dumbledore doesn't interfere the Dementors can get him in Azkaban. Ending Dumbledore's fixation with the brat."

Voldemort ignored her clapping hands as he grabbed her by the neck and lifted her into the air. He hadn't even realized he had her in the air until he growled out. "I am Lord Voldemort, you stupid cow. You just ruined everything. You do realize what happens when an underage child is declared an adult three different times by the Ministry or a magical object?" He shook her. "Well, do you?" He shook her again before dropping her to the floor. "Of all the stupidest things you could have done."

"No, no, it can't be true." 

Voldemort wasn't worried about her. He would kill her once he figured out what this new information would mean. If he was married to her, he wouldn't be able to kill her if they used certain rituals or ceremony. He looked at the sniveling woman. He thought Bellatrix or even Severus might find a way to kill her. He would have to make sure it didn't interfere with his plans. "Where is the marriage agreement?" He needed the woman out of his life.

"There isn't one." She was rubbing her neck. "We did the complex marriage ceremony."

Voldemort wanted to curse. The complex marriage ceremony. He was never drinking again, never. He glared at her. "Do you know what you did you arranged the little trial? Do you?" 

The useless woman looked up. "Me? You attacked the Undersecretary to the Minister." 

"You are lucky that you are still alive." Voldemort looked for his wand. He discovered it on the dresser across from the bed. He waved it changing the color in the room. "Now, as I was explaining. You ruined everything. You trial just enabled Potter to be declared an adult." 

The Pink Terror looked shocked. She was finally sitting up. "How?"

"The Goblet of Fire, Barty Crouch, Sr., and now this. Merlin, woman, do you even think?" Voldemort imagined a thousand different ways to kill the woman. He stopped as he suddenly put a name with the job title. "Who did you tell everyone you were married too?" 

"I didn't." She wasn't about to admit that no one would believe her as she had done it a few times already. She wanted to present him at some ball or something when it was announced the brat was dead. She managed to get up off of the floor. "I figured there would be something to honor the death of the brat." 

Voldemort really wanted to curse the woman. A complex marriage prevents him from killing her as it prevented her from killing him. He had to think. He hoped the brat didn't realize he was an adult.

______________________________________________________________________

Harry headed into Gringotts. He wasn't going to trust Dumbledore. He had been playing the man's games but now it was time to learn his rights and what he could do. He wasn't as stupid everyone thought he was. He put up with enough of the Gryffindors.


	2. Chapter 2

Voldemort threw his teacup across the room. He ignored the mess as he thought about the day's events. It was a huge mess. All thanks to his soon to be deceased wife. Voldemort wanted to kill his wife but the marriage ritual prevents him from doing so. The little brat had already cleaned up the mess his wife created before Dumbledore even arrived with a squib. A squib who backed up Potter's story about the Dementors. He was still trying to figure out how Potter cleared the mess up. He watched Lucius' memories and the brat had just sat there as Madam Bones rose and claimed the charges were being dismissed. Fudge just sat there and did nothing while the Pink Monster attempted to get answers. 

Dumbledore arrived before Lucius could demand answers and put on his little show. He ordered Lucius to see if he could learn anything from Fudge but he wasn't counting on anything as Fudge seemed resigned about whatever happened and the man's ego wouldn't want to admit what happened. If anything, he was willing to bet, Fudge would blame his wife. He didn't even want to think of that woman being near him. He was going to have to arrange for an accident. 

Voldemort was trying to think about what to do about Potter. He knew the Pink Monster wouldn't tell anyone he was back. She wouldn't want to lose any power or been seen as against the Ministry. He thought about her mentioning a ball. He didn't want to be seen in public with her but it might be a way to get himself into the Ministry. No one would expect him to be married to that toadish woman. Dumbledore certainly wouldn't want to speak out against him at a Ministry function or even announce that the Pink Monster was married to him. 

Voldemort would need to do some permanent changes to his features. He could keep the noseless look to scare his enemies. He couldn't go to the Ministry looking like his half-blood self. He already made arrangements for whoever did the marriage ritual to come and visit him. He arranged a special dungeon for whoever it was. He needed more information on all fronts, especially on Dumbledore. He would call Severus tomorrow after he got information from the Pink Monster.

___________________________________________________

Harry was drinking his tea. Dumbledore didn't speak to him after he escorted Mrs. Figg into the courtroom. He wasn't surprised but it did make things easier for him. Dumbledore arranged for Kingsley Shacklebolt to drop him off at his relatives. Shacklebolt always apparated them to the park and would watch Harry walk to his relatives. Harry stopped at the beginning of the walkway and waved at Kingsley, Harry smiled when he heard the sound of an apparition. He continued on down the road. 

Harry called Dobby. Dobby didn't even speak before he grabbed Harry and popped him away. Harry landed, thanked Dobby as Dobby promised to deliver some food in thirty minutes but tea was ready for him in the sitting room. Harry headed to the sitting room. He was a bit surprised to find out how many homes he owned as well as how much money he had. He was an adult in the Wizarding World now. 

Harry wondered if he should send Voldemort a thank you note for his assistance in getting him declared an adult. He was actually declared an adult when his name was withdrawn from the Goblet of Fire, again, when Barty Crouch, Sr. insisted he had to participate in the tournament, and Dumbledore made it official when as the Headmaster, ICW member, and his magical guardian did nothing to stop his participation in the tournament. The Dementors just made it illegal for the Ministry to charge him for underage magic. He had provided the paperwork to Madam Bones before the trial to back up his legal status. 

Madam Bones had read through all the paperwork. She read through the list of charges and how they came about. She summoned Fudge who wasn't happy about being summoned but Madam Bones didn't give him time to complain. She informed Fudge that Hary could sue the Ministry for false charges and showed him why. Fudge backed down on his rants and while glaring at Harry agreed to remain quiet during the trial. 

The last two days had been game changers. He was free from his relatives, Dumbledore, and the Order. He would now be able to buy things for himself. He had spent last night working on a list of needs. Clothes and books were at the top of the list. His next decision wasn't so easy. He wasn't sure if he wanted to return to Hogwarts. He also knew that tomorrow the wards would crash at his relatives' house since he didn't spend the required time for them to be replenished. Once they crashed, the Order would be out looking for him. 

Harry wondered if or when Dumbledore would realize that Harry must have put all the property under Fidelius Charm using the goblins. He knew Dumbledore would have Lupin, Mad-Eye, Shacklebolt, and Snape out looking for him. He wasn't worried about any of them except Snape. Lupin, Shacklebolt, and Mad-Eye would underestimate him. They would rely on magic to find him. Snape thought he was an idiot but the man was thorough. Snape would use muggle and wizarding methods. Snape might be the only one he had to worry about as Snape believed he was aware of his magical background, no matter how much evidence was thrown at the man. Snape would also expect him to use his fame. 

Harry had to figure out what he needed to do to prevent any of them discovering him before he made his choice. He had been looking at glamours but knew Dumbledore and Mad-Eye could see through glamours, unless. Harry sat upright. Parselmagic. He got up and went to the library. It wasn't the library that any visitors would have seen. It was the main family library that was the whole third floor. The third floor could only be entered by members of the Potter family so no one knew it was there. 

The Potter Manor was bigger than Malfoy Manor. Many weren't aware of Potter Manor as it hadn't been used in over one hundred years. His grandparents resided in Potter Cottage which was a ten bedroom, ten bath brick home. They selected to live there as his great-grandparents were still alive when they got married and they wanted to reside in their own home. When his great-grandparents passed away, his grandparents just left the Manor in the care of the house-elves. The Manor was basically forgotten by his father. 

The goblins were able to provide plenty of history for Harry to review before the trial. They also provided Harry with some tutors who were going to start arriving tomorrow to help him get caught up on the magical world and the stuff Dumbledore banned from their world. They agreed to provide Harry with some fighting lessons. He needed more than just magic in order to beat Voldemort. Voldemort had over sixty years of experience. Since Dumbledore wasn't going to train him, he decided to find someone who would. Perhaps, yes, perhaps,--, Harry smiled. He knew what he was going to do.

______________________________________________

Severus was cursing Potter, Dumbledore, the Order, Lucius, and the Dark Lord has he made his way to the Dark Lord's current residence. He already took a pain potion as he knew this was going to be a painful experience. He was going to kill Potter when he found the kid. Severus wanted to curse everyone he saw as he walked toward the Dark Lord's office. He passed Lucius leaving. Lucius was limping, his clothes were a mess, his hair looked like Bellatrix styled it. Lucius looked at him and shook his head. 

Severus entered the Dark Lord's office. He bowed and quietly waited as the Dark Lord finished torturing Pettigrew. He hoped the Dark Lord killed the rat. He meant rat in every sense of the word. "Severus, I hope you have better information for me." 

Severus moved forward. "My Lord, I can inform you that Dumbledore has no idea where Potter is. He has Lupin, Mad-Eye, and Shacklebolt looking in the muggle world. The rest of the Order is watching Diagon Alley. The muggles have no idea where their nephew is. Dumbledore did receive something interesting today. I happened to see it. It was a withdrawal notice from Potter. He left Hogwarts. Dumbledore was furious and headed off to the Ministry to discover what occurred." The Dark Lord turned his full attention to Severus. Severus swallowed. "My Lord, when he left Hogwarts, Dumbledore was mentioning using Black to locate Potter."

"Interesting." Severus braced himself for a curse. He didn't move but could see Pettigrew was crawling. "The squib he used for the trial?" 

"She has no information. He had spoken to her as soon as the wards failed, my Lord." Severus was wondering what was going on. He felt like he was missing something. He wasn't going to ask as he liked to keep breathing.

The Dark Lord looked thoughtful. "Keep me informed. Dismissed." 

Severus didn't waste a second in leaving. He never walked so fast in his life. He didn't want the Dark Lord to change his mind.

________________________________________________________

Voldemort leaned back in the chair. Potter had left Hogwarts, Dumbledore, and the Order. He wasn't expecting the boy to do that. Perhaps, the boy wasn't Dumbledore's tool. Lucius had failed to discover why the charges were dismissed against Potter. Lucius failed to find out what Fudge knew about Potter. He also failed to locate the one who did the ritual. He was going to have to have to speak to the Pink Monster to find out more information. 

He would have to assign some of his Death Eaters to watch Lupin, Mad-Eye, and Shacklebolt. He would also have a few stationed in Diagon Alley. He was going to have to work on his plan to get into the Ministry. The Pink Monster might be useful, for now.


	3. Chapter 3

Severus was ready to join Potter wherever the boy was hiding. He was rubbing his head in hopes of preventing another headache. Hogwarts was back in session and it was almost Halloween. No one had heard a word from Potter. The only reason he was aware of the fact was that the annoyances wouldn't stop speaking about Potter not responding back to their owls. Dumbledore had tried but the owl returned with unopened letters each time. Dumbledore and the Order were meeting almost nightly in one form or another in the hopes of locating Potter. 

Severus had searched the muggle world going into any boarding house, motel, hotel, or bed and breakfast around King's Cross, the areas where any muggle-born Gryffindors resided as well as train and bus stations. He searched the magical world going to known wizarding towns and even Knockturn Alley. He had even traveled to France because Dumbledore heard a rumor. Severus had used all different kinds of potions, location spells, and had no results. Dumbledore had him use some slightly dark magic to see if he could find Potter but he didn't get a single hit. 

He had done a little search the small brains of his muggle relatives. He wasn't happy with what he learned. He asked the neighbors for information under the guise of being a muggle auror. The neighbors provided a lot more insight into the brat, his life, his relatives, especially the cousin. There wasn't much he could do with the information currently but Potter certainly fooled everyone into believing he was a Gryffindor. He kept that information to himself as he knew it would be useful in the future. Dumbledore would have a temper tantrum worthy of a two-year-old being denied some candy if he learned his pet Gryffindor was really the ultimate Slytherin and he didn't want to deal with that either. He wondered how the boy convinced the Sorting Hat to place him in Gryffindor. 

Severus other issue was the Dark Lord. The Dark Lord was enjoying Order not being able to locate Harry. Lucius still hadn't been able to provide how or why Potter was declared an adult. Severus felt the Dark Lord knew and really wanted what exactly happened, who aided Potter, and where the boy was hiding. The Dark Lord wanted reports on what the Order was doing to locate Potter but Severus was ordered to find a way to kill Umbridge. 

Severus wasn't sure why he was assigned to find a way to kill Umbridge. The Dark Lord hated the Pink Toad more than he Potter which was saying something considering the Dark Lord went after Potter as a baby. Severus had his own issues with the woman. He remembered her from when he was at Hogwarts. She was a seventh-year and bullied anyone who wasn't a pureblood. He wasn't sure how she was a Hufflepuff. He felt a headache building.

"Severus, any ideas?"

Severus looked at Dumbledore wondering if the man ate too many lemon drops. "Since last night? When was I to arrive at new ideas? When I was searching for Potter? Teaching? Potion brewing? Sitting here listening to the brat's three friends babble about the same things that we have been doing since the brat disappeared?" 

"Severus, we are all a bit stretched in our search to locate Harry. Harry is vital and we need him." Dumbledore smiled. 

"I will inform my bed that I haven't seen in two nights as well as all those who are waiting for potions." Severus wasn't searching for Potter until he got a solid lead and it would have to be after he completed the potions Poppy was in dire need of. "I have run out of almost all potions. Poppy and St. Mungo's is at the top of the list for replacements." He had taken his last headache one before coming here and this new headache wasn't going to go away sitting here listening to the drone of the chickens in the Order.

"I am able to help you, Professor Snape. I have this weekend off." Granger volunteered.

"Good, spend it looking for your idiotic friend." Severus ignored everyone screaming as he rose and headed for the secret area the Weasley twins hid their firewhiskey. He would be assigning a lot of detentions so that some students could cut up a lot of his potion ingredients that he needed for the basic potions that any student who wasn't a Gryffindor could brew.

____________________________________________________

Voldemort was sitting at his desk and just decided to spend a few minutes in peace and quiet. The Pink Monster was residing at her own cottage. He wasn't about to allow her entrance into any home he was at. However, the woman was driving him crazy with sending messages either by house-elf or owl. He cursed her the last time he saw her because she actually tried to move some of her tacky pink furniture into the manor via a house-elf. He couldn't wait to burn the pink dungeon down using the pink stationery she used. Pink dungeon? Now, there was an idea. He wouldn't be able to use it on Dumbledore and his Order, they would like the trashy pink. He had thought about packing it all up and dumping it on the lawn of the Burrow. Burn it, dungeon, or dump it? Decisions, decisions. He spent the next ten minutes visualizing what he would do with all of her stuff. He actually liked her cats as they didn't like her and they weren't pink. The kitten plates were going to be used to torture someone.

Voldemort opened his eyes and started to work on his paperwork. He had received Lucius' different updates ranging from the MInistry to Hogwarts. One of the updates listed the Pink Monster as being out of work all week due to illnesses. He hoped one of them would kill her and soon. He had Bellatrix brew up a potion that was so simple Pettigrew could have brewed it. His house-elf fed it to her earlier as a cure for the current illness she had. It was a cure for the illness she did have as it just gave her a new one instead. He was thinking about having Nagini bite the toad-like woman since nothing else he tried killed her as of yet. 

The only good things about her missing work were that Lucius was able to get more things accomplished since the Pink Monster wasn't there as the gatekeeper. She wasn't there to prevent Lucius from speaking to Fudge or read through anything that required Fudge's signature. Lucius was even able to copy a lot of Fudge's letters, DoM reports as well as the individual department heads' reports. He needed to figure out how to get rid of the Order members working in the Ministry and Arthur Weasley's report provided just such insight.

The Potter problem wasn't resolved but as long as Potter remained missing it did keep Dumbledore busy. He had his own Death Eaters looking for the brat and Snape certainly was searching for the brat. He had Bellatrix follow Snape and she reported the same information as Snape so he knew Snape wasn't the spy he had been looking for. He glanced around and caught sight of a bit of grey and a rat's tail. Perhaps he had the traitor closer than he believed. Wormtail certainly showed up at some very interesting times of need. Bellatrix and Nagini would love the job of discovering the truth.

_________________________________________________

Harry was panting. He was tired but a good tired. He looked up as Swordspitter thrust him a canteen of water. "Not good but not bad." Harry smiled as that was the best thing Swordspitter had ever said to him. "Hoop is waiting for you for your next lesson. Shower first."

Harry didn't need to be told twice and headed off to go shower. He had been living with the goblins for the last two months and loved it. He was learning so much about everything that at times he did feel a bit overwhelmed but he didn't regret his decision to have them become his tutors. Only Ironclaw, the King, and the ones in charge of his lessons were aware of who he really was. Others knew him as Owen Evans. 

He wasn't the only human taking lessons from the goblins but he was the only one taking more than one at a time. He had been a bit fearful walking about Gringotts and almost worked himself into a full panic attack that day he saw Bill Weasley coming toward him. However, Bill just ignored him and kept going. He relaxed a bit realizing that his parselmagic glamour spells worked against those who could through glamours like wardbreakers like Bill Weasely as well as Dumbledore and Mad-Eye. He only ventured from Gringotts when it was necessary as he didn't want to push is own luck. 

Ironclaw was the one to suggest the courses at Gringotts when Harry spoke to him about withdrawing from Hogwarts and what it would mean. Ironclaw was able to show as long as Harry was getting an education then Dumbledore couldn't legally force Harry to return to Hogwarts since Harry didn't have his OWLs. Harry was going to be taking his OWLs the week before the Yule break at the Ministry. It would be six months earlier than if he remained at Hogwarts but Dumbledore wouldn't expect him to take them earlier. Granger believed he was stupid and he knew Dumbledore wanted to keep him ignorant about his title, wealth, and power. This was the type of move that neither of them would expect him to do. Snape might be a problem. Snape might expect him to take his OWLs early but if he could get to the exams and pass them, no one could force him to return to Hogwarts. 

Ironclaw and the King worked out a full training schedule as well as an educational class schedule for Harry. Harry was going to be busy for the next few years. He would be able to take his NEWTs the following year and start an apprenticeship after that. He had a few different areas of magic he wanted to explore before deciding what type of apprenticeship he wanted to be considered for when the time was right. 

Harry was a bit worried about Voldemort. Voldemort was still bat-shit crazy and dangerous but he was staying hidden. Harry figured he could use the time to train. He didn't care for Voldemort's policies but he was aware that what he knew about Voldemort was just from Dumbledore and the people who were members of the Order. The books about him were false and he wondered what else was. When he expressed his concerns to the goblins, they handed him a long list of classes about magic, creatures, and rituals. He was enrolled in the beginners level of all of those classes. Classes he wondered why were removed from Hogwarts. 

Harry was enjoying being his true self. Enjoying being able to show how much he learned and not hiding his brains so that his cousin didn't beat him up or his aunt and uncle locking him in his room after having him doing all the chores around the house and never giving him food. He developed swift hands in order to steal food, swift feet to escape his cousin, and fast dodging skills to escape his aunt and uncle's hands. The goblins were working on making all those skills work together.


End file.
